Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
