Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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