Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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