two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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