Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I cannot find my penis.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize