3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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