Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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