Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
