Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
