You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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