If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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