i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
