when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
