Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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