I think I am morally bankrupt
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
