I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
