I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
