i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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