Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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