I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
