allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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