I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
