I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
