He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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