Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
