you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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