she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
