Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
