You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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