At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
