I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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