I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
