so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
