Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize