we're blogging at a bar
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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