Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
