I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
