don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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