this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
