youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
