dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
