I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
