if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
