my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
