I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
