So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
