I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
