closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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