I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42†tv lol
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