We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
