I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
