can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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