i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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