Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
