You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize