awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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