How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
