So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
