Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
