threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
