a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
