I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
