Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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