It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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