i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
