I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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