If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
