Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
