I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
